Life After Lay Off: Week 7

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Dear Anonymous Hiring Manager,

I am writing in response to your job posting in the August 8th edition of [my local paper]. I am actually perfect for the position you are trying to fill. Not only do I meet all of your basic qualifications (proficient in MS applications, experienced, excellent oral and written skills etc.) which, really? Shouldn't all of that go without saying in this day and age? I mean who isn't proficient in MS apps? After all, it is 2010 and unless you still use a corded phone and correspond only by snail mail you pretty much have all that down. I'm pretty sure even kindergartners are capable of doing Power Point presentations these days.

However, in addition to all the basics, you "preferred" someone with experience in [obscure legal billing program] which is what I had been working in for the past 10 years until the shareholders of the law firm I was with lost a big case and got scared their bonuses might not be as big this year and spontaneously decided a 20% reduction in force was necessary. Don't get me wrong. I'm not bitter about having been laid off after almost a decade of loyalty because I can appreciate that it must have been terrifying to them to think they may have to make personal cut backs or sacrifices. The idea of having to give up one of your homes, forgo the annual family safari, lose your family's private box at the new concert venue, or *gasp* drive last year's model of  SUV and park with the commoners (rather than in your $15k a year alumni space) at your Alma mater's football games - well, that would certainly cause even Mother Theresa to lay off her devoted assistants. Right?

But back to the program experience you "prefer". As I said, I have extensive experience with that program because ours was one of the two (clearly, yours was the other) companies in the entire western world who actually bought and used that program. Hell, I can even do that program in DOS!

Not only that, but I really really (did I say really?) need a job because it's been 7 weeks without an income now and since I am the sole support for myself and my son things are looking pretty bleak. I mean, I've used up the tiny savings I had; cashed out my 401K; and nearly maxed out all the (previously zero-balance) emergency credit cards.  Rent will soon be due again, and while my unemployment is just enough to cover the cost of our shelter I'd sure like to have electricity and water also.

Economics aside, I'm also pretty bored with noting to do all day. My house is super clean, my closets are organised and I've even polished the blades on the ceiling fan in the dining room. It's getting pretty hard to fill my days. For example: I have this chair I inherited from my grandmother which is about a million years old. It's wooden back has a really intricately carved floral design. Yesterday I got out the Murphy's and some Q-tips and polished every tiny crevice of every flower and leaf in its carved wooden design. Yes, you heard me right. I spent over an hour polishing a wooden chair with Q-tips. That's how bored I am.

So, I'm sure you can clearly see how desperate my situation is - in addition to being highly qualified for the position you are trying to fill. But here's the problem ...

In your job posting you asked that I send in my resume along salary history, references, and cover letter; and you asked that I send it to an anonymous PO box via the newspaper. Basically, you want me to send you all of my contact information, employment history, income data and a list of my friends and former co-workers; yet you are unwilling to even give me the name of your company?!  I'm sorry, but I'd have to be all kinds of stupid to send that kind of information to an undisclosed recipient. I wouldn't even want to hire someone who was that stupid and I'm not sure why you would.

So, in conclusion, I'm sorry to have to break up in such an impersonal and public way, but you've left me no choice, Anonymous Company. We probably would have been great for each other, but you had to go and ruin it all. Our brief relationship has been entirely one-sided because you were too selfish to give of yourself. I wish you only the best and hope that someday you find someone who is right for you. But when you do, you will always know that your new employee is one who will blindly dispense very personal information to complete strangers and thus you'll always have to worry what they may be saying about you. I hope you can live with that.


Yellow Dog


Rob said…
This is hilarious!!!!!!