These past few weeks I have been living more like an ordinary person than a Buddha and it has begun to trouble me.
I seriously think I have broken all five precepts, which for you Christians out there is like breaking the commandments.
Do Not Destroy Life: Aside from the giant bug incident of which my hands, if not my Karma remained clean, I have been shamelessly killing ants in my kitchen. Not even just spraying bug spray to keep them away, but literally smashing them with my finger. There are just sooooo many of them. And they are getting into my food. I don't know what else to do. Sigh.
Do Not Steal: For a Buddhist stealing is not just tangibles, but also things like time and ideas. Aside from the fact that I have a new intellectual history hero who all but wrote the final version of some papers for me last semester, I also have been guilty of stealing everyone's time. I've kept Little Dog waiting after school; spent too much time visiting rather than working during the day; and kept my new friend on the phone late into the night.
Do Not Commit Sexual Misconduct: Well, considering Little Dog reads this (Hey my son!) I should probably tread lightly here. I guess I will just say it is untrue to accept the physical embrace of others if they are merely replacement for someone else. It's not about sex, but about intent.
Do Not Lie: Whoa! I think I am actually in the clear on this one. My honesty has been my downfall lately.
Do Not Take Intoxicating Drinks: Um.... well, twice in the past week alone I have been buzzed on wine. Not that there is inherently anything wrong with this. It's just that I drank seeking that irresponsible feeling of silliness. I have also smoked waaaay too much lately.
In addition to all of this I find myself thinking more of the past or daydreaming rather than living in the moment. Rather than increasing my meditation, I have skipped it entirely for a few days. I'm sure the freedom from school work has led to all of this, as for the first time in months I actually have time. But time can be a dangerous thing if one's mind wonders from the moment.
I need to make Katherine her CD (Holla Katherine! I haven't forgotten you!); write Keith a graduation letter; welcome the new neighbors with some sort of gathering; and spend some time with one of Little Dog's friends who deserves to feel special. Basically, I need to get outside my own head and practice a bit more compassion in my own little world.
I just have to figure out how to do get back on the path.
I'm not sure confessing is the right start, but apparently old Catholic habits die hard!